AntiClockWise

KIANHAO =)

undeveloped

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70th post

11:02 PM - Wednesday, October 21, 2009

[my 70th post]
[the place called rock bottom..nights without moon.]

k.officially emotionally snapped.

anyone played the sims?when ur sims' mood meter bar drop to zero.ur sims wun die.but in real life.if ur mood meter bar dropped to zero,aka reached rock bottom.u wun die bcoz of it.but u will live a life worse dan death.

at least last time.when i really fking desperate.hatred kept me sane.
i kept pushing the blame to random ppl..ppl lyk zhilie..who's r always the cause of my pain.
but as i grew up..grew older..dat hatred faded..

life without a gal..for mi..its lyk ur world suddenly darken..
inital stage..ur world loses colour..den soon..lights start to fade..life suddenly became monotone..u lose track of time..dates..morning n night had no meanings..ur goals in life..fades off..ur value of life..decreased..life gets darker..u started walking n going to sch without any serious goal or mind setted to something..soon..everything darks out..yea...strangers no longer has any value..u can jus scream in the public..no worries abt it..coz yea..nth can b worst dan dis shit life..and slowly..u will reach rock bottom..where stranger females r lyk stars..emitting small little bits of light to ur life..but yea..u will find urself living in a world of total darkness..a world without moon..where deres almost nothing to lose..everything to gain...n u will believe dat theres no such bullshit as negative zero.

life driven by hatred is lyk running in darkness.no matter how many times u fall.revenge will get u up on ur feet..but..nw dat hatred is gone..i cant push blames to anyone..im suddenly standing on the spot.in darkness.all alone.a living hell.

recently..jus had dis feeling dat my smile had being robbed by loneliness.

cant truthfully smiled no more.
today was carrying a dam heavy bag..but wads physical pain compared to those emotional pain of living thru dis type of fked up life?
everyday lecture room so cold..i start having goose bumps n start shivering.but wads dat compared to the loneliness..world without any warmth..dat im experiencing every second?

yea.hougang mall has dis good spot to suntan.the top floor playground dere..i went dere v often.coz its close to my hse..but guess wad..?everytime went dere..my heart gets colder..all lians n bengs dere having fun..leaving mi dere..punished?

..facing the piercing sunlight..which stings my skin.but cant reach dat frozen heart of mine.

today went home.told my mum i super no mood for anyting..she asked if its no mood for study?of argued wif frens?
but how do u expect mi to tell her,i no mood for dis kinda fked up life?
so in the end,told her dat.im sick n tired of my type of life..in hokkien.."ya" is the exact n most accurate word i can find liao..

saw my class de yijie's blog.saying he will study for his gf sake.to nt let her suffer in the future.yea.jus rmb dat i used to have dis mindset too..even willing to run thru hell jus for a girl.but yea?my course lyk boys sch lidat?cant even make up a fake goal for myself.its dat bad man..

dere's so so so many tings i wan to do.wan to buy.
to do?nyp's fb?tkd?japanese lang?o sch?dye hair?shuffle?
to buy?phone?headphone?spect?mirror?laptop bag?cooler fan?hoodie?
but actually..among all these..i jus wan to quickly get the most impt stuff..
i just want to get my smile back.dats all.

random:
watched a drama,the gal asked?wad stuff money cant buy?the guy replied "oxygen"
but actually.its jus dat nobody's buying a bag of air?and when u go diving..jus whr did dat oxygen tank came from?god give?and help u refill oso?_|_

dere's many tings money cant buy.
money can force love.but cant buy love.
money can buy u exp objects.but cant get u happiness.
money can get u bed.but cant get u energy.
money can get u food.but cant prevent u frm getting hungry.(unless u wan to eat tons of dem)
money can get u a fortune telling..but cant give u a direct ans for life.
money can get u to classes.but cant buy knowledge,skill n talent.
money can get u to start a drama series.but jus dun use "oxygen"!!goddamit.

dere's alot of things money cant buy.
but yea,old saying. " 钱不是万能的，但没有钱是万万不能"
haiz....so how shd i start finding my smile?

no motivation.no drive.no goal.no aim.no resolve=no mood.no movement.no improvement.no passion.no determination.no strive.no bullshit,no nothing!